No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
