I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
