I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
