so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
