the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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