Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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