I think i peed on brittanys purse
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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