There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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