Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
two words: eviction party
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
