I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
