sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
