Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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