Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
