So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
