i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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