Jerry, you need to find god
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
