Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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