Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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