I faked an abortion last night.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
