i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
