He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
