I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
