Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
