I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
