Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
