i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
