I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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