In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
