I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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