he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
