Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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