sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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