If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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