I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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