i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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