My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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