also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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