i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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