Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
