So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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