Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We left an ass print on the piano.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
