I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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