i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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