Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
