Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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