see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
