i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
