the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
