When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
