Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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